8.5 months pregnant

Yes…it is a journey filled with physical compromises and emotional peaks and valleys that one could not imagine had they never done this before. It is wonderful to feel that little person wiggling around in your belly, assuming he’s not using your bladder as a chew toy and assuming he’s not kicking your rib cage for a field goal.
What do you imagine he’s like? Perfect of course. He’s as cute as a button but will one day be handsome and debonair. He’s smart, maybe even a genius. Surely he’s on his way to becoming a neurosurgeon who will save lives everyday and make the coveted impact on this world that few tend to make. Maybe he’ll run for president, but then again, maybe that’s not a good idea. Maybe he’ll join a boy band when he’s 16 and then branch off by himself to become one of his generation’s most revered singer/songwriters. Soulful – yes, he must be.
Maybe he’ll just do whatever is in his heart. Hopefully he won’t take the easy route and settle. Settle for a certain girl to whom he feels obligated. Settle for a job that he knows isn’t right but hey, he wants his own place. Settle for a suit and tie when he’d rather be wearing jeans and a hard hat (or vice versa).
I don’t even know him yet and I don’t know if I can take it. I don’t know if I can stand knowing his heart has been broken or that some kid pushed him around after school. I need him not to ever feel like a failure or like he’s second best. I need for him to not feel any real human emotions because I can’t take it. I want him to have the best – a Versace suit for his christening, iPods and computers all over the house just waiting for him to use. At the same time, I don’t want him to be spoiled or rotten. He needs to learn how to earn his money and buy things himself. I don’t want to run his life, but yet I do.


recipe for success

So I’m watching MTV2 the other day (the only MTV station that actually earns the right to be called Music Television), and to my surprise, I found myself almost falling asleep – a hard thing to make happen. Now maybe this is because I’m not a teenybopper or, maybe it’s because I felt like I was watching a one-hour long video. There seems to be no individuality with pop songs. You can’t tell when one ends and another begins. I guess the pop industry likes to stick with what sells. It seems there’s this pop star cookie cutter recipe that the powers that be do not like to stray from.

1-cup long blonde hair
2/3 Tsp. standard “I love you” lyrics
Whole lotta Bling
Bitches and hoes (recommended)
3-cups fabulous ass and/or abs
Dash of talent (optional)

Upon studying my notes, I found that there are only two variations of pop videos.

1. The female video where the girl sings about finally being free from her bad boyfriend. She’s ready to take on the world and prove, once again, that She Will Survive! She appeals to the recently dumped while subliminally asking her impressionable audience “look how beautiful, rich, sexy and svelte I am! Don’t Cha wanna be me?”

2. The male video where the guy has a few gold teeth and lots of heavy bling around his neck. He’s leaning against his Bentley while scantily clad women feed him grapes. He’s saying, “Look how rich I am! Look how many girls in bikinis want to dance with me, look at all the cars I own! Hey kids, you can have all this too – or you can die tryin.”

Now I’m not talking about these messages influencing kids to make bad choices. I believe that people (kids included) are plenty capable of making up their own minds. But even the most secure and successful person in the world can’t help feeling a tad bit jealous. But jealous of what? Well there is the obvious (see above). But what makes them so special? Long hours in the gym (or with a personal trainer and chef)? Long hours at the salon? Long hours in singing and dancing class? Is it all worth it for a few months of fleeting fame and nice bank account? I say…Yes, yes it is. Screw those bastards!


call me crazy

...but am I the only one who hates getting the town news thrown all willy-nilly on my front lawn every week?? I was out raking leaves the other day (a new task for me and yet another one that I can add to my "despised tasks" list) when I found three...yes, three newspapers lying there in a disgusting wet mass of paper and leaves. The protective plastic wrap hardly does it's job in the rain. Now, I know you must be asking yourself - why doesn't she just pick up the God damned paper every week and throw it out? Well, I never use the front door, for one. I park in the driveway and head for the closest door which is on the side of the house. Therefore, I usually never enter the front and always forget about the stupid paper! Why should this be a burden in my life anyway? I don't ask for the paper...I don't want the paper. Please, paperboy, wherever you are, don't bring me a paper anymore!


things I frown upon

when Pumpkin Spice lattes are no longer "seasonal" at Starbucks
waiting for anything
over cooked pasta
being bored - as I often am
non-rotating doors or doors that do not open automatically
lifting and/or moving furniture - especially air conditioners
answering the phone
confident people
pointy shoes
restaurants that do not offer free refills
making iced tea - which I do everyday
Axl Rose's hair


Hot out there...cold in here

What is the deal with office weather?? No matter what temperature it is outside...it's -5 in the office! Take today for example....a nice brisk 58 outside...but warm in the sun. Walk in the office, take my jacket off and ten minutes later my teeth are chattering and my earmuffs start calling my name! And this doesn't change in the summer when the AC is blaring and my coffee freezes on the spot. I've had to start fires in my garbage can to keep warm. The madness must stop!


Where are all the scary movies?

The week before Halloween should be chuck full of frightening television viewing. My lights are out, the popcorn's ready, but I'm not being entertained. I'm frustrated as I flip through the stations to find none of my classics. Nightmare on Elm Street, The Exorcist and The Shining are no where to be found. Instead of quality monster flicks I'm surrounded by endless reruns of Halloween 5 and Friday the 13th 23! I want to see originals. I want to see movies that scare the bejesus out of me - not low budget B movies that I could have made in my basement with a couple of zealous friends and some fake eyeballs. Now, I do own some of these movies and I could pop them in the DVD player at any time - but that's not the point. I mean, what kind of bizarro world do I live in where the cable networks that I pay good money for can't sufficiently scare the hell out of me during the month of October?? Honestly.


We did it...it's done

We bought a house! I love it! It's the best thing ever! No more noisy neighbors vacuuming at 6AM on Saturday mornings and busses running through my bedroom at ungodly hours. We went through a lot of paint and energy but it was well worth it. Here is a list of tips and insights about owning a house...

One can never be completely sure that a house is 100% ghost free - don't let your guard down
No one told me that I would have to take a chemistry class to take care of a pool
You can't hire a pool boy for a 4ft above the ground
When something breaks and I call the super...I answer
You have more space to clean
The dish washer is the best invention EVER!
The grill is the second best invention...George Forman who?
Weeds! Who the hell invented weeds??? Where's my lawn boy?
When both you and your cat hear the floor squeek and you're the only one home...it's cause for concern
If you see a puddle of water on the basement floor and you have no idea where it came from...it's best to just ignore it
You have to start paying for things like water and heat. Time to cut back on showering and warming up.
A dehumidifier is no joke
Praying and wishing that your neighbor will mow your lawn never works. Selfish bastards!
If your grill sets itself on fire wait until someone else notices it and then let them put it out for you
"Caulking" should only be done by pros